No rain, no flowers


In June 2019,

I had the scariest thing happen to me TO DATE.

Ryan and I were bed watching TV when I started having shooting chest pains.

It hurt so bad, that I started to panic, HARD.

Ryan calmed me down,

And the pain subsided, only for me to realize, the whole left size of my body went numb.

I couldn’t move my arm or leg, and I was freaked the hell out!

I’m so ashamed to say this;

But my first fear was,

How am I going to go to work tomorrow?

Not,

Will I walk again?

Can I still hug my kids?

No, work.

Always with the work.

They rushed me to the hospital via and ambulance and finally four hours later, the feeling came back,

And I sighed some relief,

As I wanted to go home.

Ryan,

Who is forever my biggest cheerleader,

Insisted we stay to get answers.

Unbeknownst to us,

We would have four months of anxiety-ridden fear of not knowing what would happen.

They put me through all the tests;

CAT scans,

Heart Monitors,

Brain MRI,

Spine MRI,

Neurologist appointments,

And they finally discovered there is no answer.

No final diagnosis,

Or surgery,

Or medication,

Which meant I needed to go deep down and figure out what could put my body in such a state of panic and stress.

Work through the process of what my body goes through daily.

Am I kind to it? Not particularly.

Do I honour it? No.

Do I whisper it nice things? Not usually.

You see,

We are so ready to figure out the outside effects of what it could be – when really the answer is just me.

For years, I’ve been running around, doing all the things for everyone,

Standing on my head,

Multi-tasking it all, and finally my body said;

“Here is your final warning;

Be kind to me, or next time there will be a diagnosis”

And for the first time; I heard it, and I whispered; “Thank you”

And I started to thank it for getting me out of bed every day,

I started to stretch it out more,

I stopped putting alcohol into it,

I started to make rest a priority,

I started to listen to the warnings.

Starting to get a tension headache?

Book a chiro appointment.

Started to listen to the food my body truly wanted,

Started to go to bed earlier,

Started reading all the articles,

Started to prioritize self care.

Started to respond to 10:55pm emails in the morning,

Started to work hand-in-hand with a registered dietician,

Started to simply slow TF down.

And guess what?

Suddenly, little answers started to come my way,

Discoveries about my body,

Truths about what it needs and what it doesn’t.

Here is why I’m telling you this.

You deserve this time.

You deserve the stories of your body.

And if you never allow yourself the quiet – you won’t get the chance to hear the answers.

This may be the most critical journey of your life.

Please attempt to take it.

Tap into your intuition,

Get quiet,

And give yourself the kindness,

You so freely give to others.

Xo

Jen


Originally published November 27, 2019

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